And so begins my journey of realization…

Assalamualaikum dear readers….

This is the second post on my new blog, Alhamdulillah. By the grace of Allah swt I’m just getting this new blog going on, so stay tuned for more.

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I have been contemplating to write this blog for years. Almost 2 decades to be exact.

You see, my soul searching began when i first lost my stillborn son in 2001. I was deeply devastated by it…..

I was so upset by the event and many unwanted thoughts stirred in my mind, I felt the world was against me especially my stillborn son!…. He died and left me here, I felt that he did not want me to be his mother. The pain was so unbearable….I was living with such agony can’t express here!

I did not know where to turn but luckily my first husband was there for me at that time. He had been my rock at that moment of time…. His support gave me strength, and he never blamed me for anything Alhamdulillah. I needed that because I felt as though everyone around me were pointing their fingers at me….(it was just my self conscience thought) It was a heart wrenching moment.

Luckily at that point of time, there were 3 other doctors who were my father’s friends who conveyed to me, that they themselves lost their stillborn child. At the time when they told me, I still could not accept it and I could still remember everytime I went into the bathroom to have my bath, I would cry my eyes out as i just could not bear the pain of having carried my son for 8 months and had to give birth normally (giving birth normally would give less complications), although my child had already died in my belly.

But after a month of confinement, I told myself that I need to get out of my depression as no one can do it for me. I went through (1) denial, (2) anger and finally accepting qadha and qadr or redha.

Accepting the will of Allah was the hardest part but once you came to terms with it, we tend to concede with the will of Allah. It became easier and I felt lighter since then.

If I had not been able to let go of Allah’s will, I will still be burdened by reflecting the “whys” and probably went to a mental institution. That was how severe the depression was!

The doctors who were given tests of having stillborn children themselves gave a good advice saying that the child will be waiting for me in Jannah in sha Allah. There is also a sahih hadith regarding this.

The prophet (saw) said


“By the One in Whose hand is in my soul, the miscarried fetus will drag his mother by his umbilical cord to paradise if (she was patient) and sought reward (for her loss).”

Ibn Majah

Subhanallah ALLAH swt changed my heart and I became more close to my ALLAH consciously.

Thus begins my journey in looking for Allah. I became from a non-hijab woman to wearing hijab. I felt pity for my son as he is constantly making doa for me and I need to help him too by changing myself…..

This was an eye opener for me and so begins the journey of my realization towards Allah Azza Wa Jalla… Allahu akbar

I began accepting Allah’s will and kept asking for Allah to give me another chance to be a mother again… Alhamdulilllah with Allah’s mercy I became a mother 4 times over after that….. HasbiyalLah.

The more I became closer to our Creator, the more at ease I felt, and it is the only heart soothing bliss ever available in this universe, I have realized it truly, Alhamdulillah.

May Allah swt accept our life and grant us thoufeeq to have changes for Allah swt.

Ya Allah I beg Your Mercy to grant thoufeeq for those soul still searching for You to realize Your presence within them.

Ya Allah guide us all to finding You and to realize Your blessed presence within us unfailingly, in sha Allah.

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